


Break My Heart Again

by mecchi



Category: Super Junior
Genre: 83line, Angst, Cheating, I'm Sorry, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Sad, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-07 23:14:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15918219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mecchi/pseuds/mecchi
Summary: The various times Leeteuk had his heart broken by Heechul along the years.





	Break My Heart Again

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this because we are all in a drought season and 83line ship is not sailing lol
> 
> This is inspired by the song Break My Heart Again by Finneas and I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt. These songs just tugged at my heartstrings, please give them a listen and drown in feels.
> 
> Anyway, English is not my first language so do point out anything out of place and I'l fix them. I'm also sorry for any inaccuracies and please enjoy <3

**Now**

 

"I called you."

 

"I know, I was busy."

 

"You could at least text me, it's not that hard. You are on your phone all the time."

 

"God, stop nagging, Teukkie."

 

Leeteuk clamped his mouth shut immediately. He felt wrong footed all of a sudden, a feeling of dejavu washing over him. He shifted closer and bit his lips, staring at the man sitting on his couch.

 

"Is- is everything okay, Chullie?" he asked meekly.

 

"Everything will be fine if you could just stop talking for a second."

 

Unsure of how to act, Leeteuk moved closer towards Heechul and curled up next to him.

 

"You would tell me if there's anything, right?" he asked in a small voice, afraid to set Heechul off or worse, make him walk away.

 

"Yeah yeah, whatever Teuk," Heechul replied while throwing an arm around Leeteuk to pull him closer and Leeteuk almost cried out in relief at the small gesture eventhough Heechul's response were not really positive. It was sad that this little touch was enough to lift some weight on his chest.

 

He wasn't stupid though. Heechul had definitely been seeing someone else. He could smell it on the other man, the faint flowery scent that didn't belong to Heechul or any of Heechul's friend. It was pathetic that he knew all these things yet still continued to make allowances.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Then**

 

"Hey, have you eaten? I got takeaways, come out and eat before it gets cold," Leeteuk called through the closed door. Hearing no reply, he pried it open only to fnd Heechul sprawled on the bed, hair in disarray.

 

"I'm not hungry," Heechul said sullenly, fingers playing with the corner of what he assumed to be a script of some sort.

 

"Oh, okay. When you are hungry, call me. I'll reheat the food for you."

 

The moody Heechul grunted and Leeteuk backed away instinctively, allowing the other some space. He was almost out of the door when out of nowhere he heard Heechul called for him.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Jungsoo, no, Teuk, I- I don't think-," Leeteuk could only blink confusedly when Heechul's expression further darkened as he tried to articulate his thoughts.

 

"Is everything okay, Chul ah?" worriedly, he asked. Heechul's round eyes quickly evaded Teuk's searching one and he continued to fiddle with his script.

 

"Hangeng is coming back from his China activities soon, Teuk, I don't think we should..." The words trailed off before it came to a halt and Leeteuk almost couldn't breathe right then, his mind finishing what Heechul was trying to say. The younger one wavered a bit before he seemed to steel himself and stared directly at Leeteuk whose world was crumbling around him.

 

"I'm sorry Teuk, but you are not him," it wasn't enough for Heechul to stab him, he had to twist the knife too.

 

"O- okay," and Leeteuk fled the scene almost in cowardice, leaving pieces of his heart all over the floor. There was no point in fighting a one sided war.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Now**

 

The sound of cheer was deafening when they finally got off the stage. Eunhyuk's grin was contagious as they tumbled, breathless and sweaty, into the dressing room and soon everyone was grinning like madmen, the mood was high after another successful concert.

 

In the midst of cheers and laughter, Leeteuk reached for Heechul's hand, too high on adrenaline to think about it properly. Reality crashed into him though when Heechul yanked his fingers away as if disgusted and Leeteuk swallowed heavily, suddenly nervous.

 

"Hyung!" he forced his sight away from Heechul's moving figure only to meet Donghae's incredulous stare.

 

"Again?!"

 

Instead of answering his dongsaeng, Leeteuk could only shrug his shoulders, teeth gnawing on his bottom lip. He wasn't stupid, if he opened his mouth, all the pieces of his barely held together heart would come crumbling down. He wasn't stupid, he knew this had to end before anything bad happens.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Then**

 

The sound of crash resounded in the living room and Leeteuk watched as Heechul fell onto the ground and he gape while his mind couldn't grasped what had happened.

 

"You are horrible, hyung! Teuk hyung loves you!" the yell was loud and for a second, not one figure moved. Donghae was breathing hard, eyes already welling with tears of frustration while Heechul stared at him from the floor, wiping the blood from the corner of his split lips. Leeteuk could only stare in surprise, head swivelling to look from Donghae too Heechul.

 

"Mind your own fucking business, Donghae," Heechul said haughtily and if it was another situation, Leeteuk could almost admire Heechul's courage to say that confidently when he was at an obvious disadvantage.

 

"You are sick! How can a human be this mean. Have you no feelings at all?!" Donghae tried to charge forward then and Leeteuk finally snapped into action.

 

"That is enough, Donghae! What Heechul and I did behind closed door is none of your concern!" he said firmly, pushing Donghae to stand on the other side of the room. It pained Leeteuk to reprimand Donghae but he didn't want this to get any bigger than it should. Donghae let out a growl of frustration as he kicked a small table near him.

 

"It is my concern when you kept getting hurt by all that Heechul hyung does. I heard you cried yourself to sleep every fucking night when this asshole was out bedding everyone left, right and center," Leeteuk closed his eyes at that, unable to hold both Donghae's and Heechul's heavy stares.

 

The nature of his relationship with Heechul was a known secret amongst Super Junior members. They didn't talk about it but everyone knew. Leeteuk was aware that everyone was talking about it behind his back. He heard more than enough times the whisper amongst the members when Leeteuk woke them up in the morning with swollen bloodshot eyes and dark circles. He saw them giving him varying levels of glances ranging from pity to disgust when Heechul came back early in the morning reeking of alcohol and other people that wasn't Leeteuk. It made him ashamed of himself, ashamed of his feelings, ashamed of his excuses for Heechul when the other man didn't seem to care.

 

"I'm a grown up, Hae. I can take care of things. Thank you for worrying but please leave Heechul alone," his voice wavered at the end of course, which made Donghae snort.

 

"Oh my god, hyung! What are you? Some submissive wife waiting for her cheater of a husband? Why are you so weak for him? Everyone was talking about it. He doesn't love you like you think he does! Snap out of it!"

 

"Just stop Donghae! I don't need your opinions!" he raised his voice, glaring angrily at Donghae because Donghae's words hurt and he just wanted to deny everything.

 

"You are such an idiot, Teuk hyung! If this is what you want, fine. But don't go around crying when you are the one who is doing this to yourself," Donghae gritted out before stomping away. Leeteuk flinched when he slammed the door to their shared bedroom. Sighing tiredly, Leeteuk turned towards Heechul who mostly remained silent throughout Donghae's outburst.

 

"Are you okay?"

 

Heechul stared right at him and Leeteuk noticed a different kind of look. His stomach dropped when he realized what Heechul was going to say.

 

"No, no, don't do this to me, Heechul," he pleaded even before Heechul had said it.

 

"Shh, Jungsoo. I think we have to stop. Yeah, we have to."

 

"What?" Leeteuk couldn't formulate a reply when Heechul had said it matter of factly.

 

"I know you helped me a lot. I'm grateful for you being there for me when Hengeng left. But you are too clingy, too obvious. I don't want to give the younger ones wrong ideas. This will affect the team and we don't need this right now," Heechul mumbled quickly, all his earlier confidence seemed to disappear but Leeteuk didn't notice as each syllables bounced in his head, the message was loud and clear.

 

Grown up, his ass, he thought to himself that night as he muffled his sobs against his pillows, trying so hard not to awaken the peacefully sleeping Donghae.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Now**

 

"Are you okay? I got you some painkillers. How's your head?"

 

"Your voice is making my head worse. Do you ever stop talking?"

 

"Sorry, sorry. I brought some porridge. You have to at least eat something."

 

"I have already eaten," Heechul said, turning away from fidgeting Leeteuk. Leeteuk recognized the silent dismissal and he dragged himself out of Heechul's bedroom, head hung low. Hot shame filled him when he thought about how foolish he had been, to rush to Heechul's place straight from his filming, to assume that Heechul needed him, to think that Heechul would be even slightly grateful.

 

Leeteuk wasn't stupid though, he saw the pot of porridge on Heechul's usually spotless stove, saw the remnants of someone who cooked in Heechul's usually spotless kitchen. He wasn't stupid. Someone else had come while he was busy working.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Then**

 

"We have to stop being with each other, for good this time," his ears were ringing from the blood rushing by, shaking hands dropped whatever he was holding to reach for Heechul but the other man evaded them.

 

"Why?" he rasped out, feeling like the carpet underneath him being pulled away, feeling like the universe is playing this big joke on him. Heechul had come to him several months back right after he had enlisted, wanting to start afresh and Leeteuk, being the fool that he was, jumped straight into it, much to Donghae's disgust.

 

"A wolf in sheep's clothing is still a wolf," Donghae had commented yet Teuk was deaf to everything. He had the utmost confidence in Heechul this time, so sure that his love was being returned. Donghae was right in the end.

 

"We don't fit, Teuk. We don't see each other most of the time and when we did, we only have sex. You are going to enlist soon and we would have even less time together. You won't even have the time to miss me."

 

"What are you saying? I truly love you. Please don't leave me. We managed now, didn't we?"

 

"We managed now because I'm in public service. You will be enlisting for active duty, Teuk."

 

"When I enlist, I would have vacation time and such. We can still make this work. I'm sure we can, Chullie," Leeteuk was desperate, mind grasping on any strings of thoughts he could.

 

"We could make this work if we both want to. But Teukkie, I don't want to," Leeteuk could laugh if the situation wasn't dire. There, right there was the crux of the matter. Heechul didn't want to. He didn't think it would be worth it to put some effort in their relationship because he didn't want to.

 

"I'm sorry Jungsoo, but this is for the best," Leeteuk stared helplessly, his world in tatters as the sight gets blurry until all that was left of his vision was some distortion of colours of Heechul's retreating back.

 

He had so badly wanted to ask this is for the best for who because his fucking heart is in fucking pieces all over the fucking ground.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Now**

 

"Hello?"

 

"What do you want? I'm busy," Heechul sounded almost breathless and for a split second Leeteuk wondered if he caught Heechul in the middle of his exercise routine. But then he heard a giggle, someone else's giggle followed by a soft moan and Leeteuk could feel his ears and face burn at the realization.

 

"Are- are you busy? Can I come over?" he stuttered bravely eventhough the answer was obvious.

 

"I just told you I'm busy. Call me later kay," and the line went silent.

 

Leeteuk hugged his knees and he let his phone fall on the bed. He wasn't stupid, he knew Heechul didn't have any schedules. He wasn't stupid, Leeteuk thought as he rest his forehead on his knees, trying to come up with more excuses as the small giggle replayed again and again at the back of his mind.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Then**

 

It was loud when his lips met Heechul's and Leeteuk couldn't focus on anything else, not the members around him, not the staffs nor the audience. He could only savour Heechul's lips, which tasted even sweeter than the chocolate stick they had to eat. They finally pulled apart and Leeteuk's heart skipped at Heechul's delighted grin, eyes crinkled as he finally stared directly at Leeteuk for the first time in years since they last parted ways.

 

The fans gave another cheer as the game went on but Leeteuk couldn't pull his mind away from the kiss and the charming, almost boyish grin. He tried to calm himself down by saying it was only fanservice but when Heechul didn't push him away like what Teuk thought he would do, he couldn't help the glimmer of hope that wash over him. Heechul had been flirting on and off since the Super Camp tour started which left Teuk feeling confused and uncertain but that kiss had seemed to seal the deal.

 

When he noticed Heechul looking at him with heat in his eyes, Leeteuk stumbled. He was absurdly happy at the mere thought that Heechul found him desirable. Later, Heechul pulled him into one of the empty dressing room and Leeteuk's heart pounded as Heechul dropped to his knees, unbuckled Teuk's belt and took him in his mouth.

 

"I missed you, Teuk. But this doesn't have to mean anything, okay?" Heechul had said after everything was done and Teuk had came embarrassingly fast, flooding Heechul's mouth in no time. He averted his eyes, unable to look at Heechul as the man kissed his forehead and left him leaning against the wall, pants around his ankles and eyes brimming with unshed tears.

 

Their 'doesn't mean anything' happened regularly after that though and in due time Leeteuk fell into a false sense of security. He let himself think that Heechul cared for him, that Heechul wanted him as much as he wanted Heechul. Let himself think that everything will work out somehow.

 

%%%%%%

 

**Now**

 

Leeteuk was sitting crosslegged on his white sofa, Shimkoong cradled peacefully in his arms. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't go to sleep, wasn't able to get more than a couple hours per night for weeks now. The flashbacks kept coming even when he was awake.

 

Ever since that day where he called, he didn't look for Heechul at all, didn't contact him, didn't reply to any of his texts. They continued with their schedules and if they had to work together, he kept their interactions minimum and strictly professional. Leeteuk felt like he was swimming through sand, he knew all the movements but it was so tough to move even an inch forward. At this point, he was just going through the motions, letting the days drag by. It didn't help that Heechul went on as if he didn't care and before Teuk knew it, 2 months had passed just like that.

 

The bell rang suddenly, startling both him and his puppy and he blinked stupidly as the bell kept ringing. Once he snapped out of his daze, he trotted halfheartedly towards the intercom without needing to ponder who the hell was it that rang his bell. He wanted to ignore it but before he knew, he was staring at Heechul's face on the intercom.

 

"Teuk? Open up!"

 

"Go away, Heechul."

 

"What?!"

 

"I don't want to talk to you. Just leave, please."

 

"Teuk, it's only courtesy that I'm ringing your bell. I can let myself in or you could save me the trouble. Either way, I'm coming in."

 

"What do you want?"

 

"That's it. I'm coming in."

 

Resigning himself to the sudden confrontation he wasn't prepared to have, Leeteuk lifted sleepy Shimkoong and sat back on the sofa. He stared tiredly when Heechul barged in as if he owned the place.

  

"Why are you avoiding me?" Oh, he thought Heechul didn't notice.

 

"Oh Teukkie, how are you? I'm okay Chul, how bout you? I'm also okay. Good good, what do you need at this hour?" annoyedly, he replied with all the sarcasm he could muster.

 

"Cut the sass, Jungsoo. I asked you a question."

 

"I don't need to answer you!" Leeteuk still found himself choking up despite gearing himself to be brave and get it over with. Inwardly he cursed himself. Clearing his throat, he tried again.

 

"What do you want, Heechul?"

 

"I want you to answer me," there was some subtle arrogance in heechul's stance and for the first time in years, he felt anger seeping in. How dare this man whom he had loved unconditionally, who had treated him like some piece of rag can still has the nerve to feel so fucking entitled to demand all sorts of answer from him.

 

"The other person, she left you right? That's why you finally looked for me. Your bed is cold, right?" Leeteuk spat the words out without looking at Heechul, didn't want to see Heechul's face when he tries to lie.

 

"Wha-what do you mean, Jungsoo?' his trained ears caught the slight tremble in Heechul's deep voice and he let out a humourless laugh.

 

"If you are going to use me and still sleep around, at least man up and fucking admit it," he gritted out, so so angry at Heechul, angry at the circumstances and most of all angry at himself for being so fucking weak even after all these years.

 

"I- I-," it was a first hearing Heechul stutter but he found no delight in it.

 

"I'm not stupid, Heechul," he set his again dozing pup on the sofa before hugging his knees, trying to make himself smaller, trying to disappear into nothingness.

 

"I, well I'm sorry, Jungsoo," it was almost as good as an admission and though he knew it to be true all along, he still couldn't help but feel disappointed.

 

"If sorry is enough, the world won't have any war at all."

 

"I'm really sorry. Those other people, they meant nothing. I always come back to you, didn't I?" to hear Heechul said it carelessly shattered him.

 

"So I'm supposed to be grateful? You come to me, you fuck me but as soon as there's someone else who caught your attention, you throw me aside. You want me to do what? Thank you like you are some god's gift?" he snapped, eyes already brimming with tears. Now that he started, he couldn't stop himself, not anymore.

 

"Then the other person left and you come back to me like I'm a standby fuck or something. Why? Because I never leave? What do you think I am? Am I not a person? What is so wrong with me that you kept doing this to me again and again? Why wasn't I enough for you? Why?!" he couldn't hide his frustration, angrily wiping the unwanted tears that came.

 

"I- I didn't know you felt like this."

 

"Bullshit! You knew all along. You knew back when we debuted, you knew when it was 2011, you knew when you fucked me backstage during Super Camp and you know it now. You know how I feel for you all this time. Is this some sort of a power trip to you? Some 'lets fuck around with Jungsoo's heart'? Or am I just a fool? That is it, right? I'm just a fool!"

 

"You lied to me, you cheated on me, you played me so well that I have doubts about myself. Am I so undeserving of your love? Do you enjoy my pain?"

 

Heechul remained silent, seemingly at a loss on what to say.

 

"All these years, all these years, Heechul. You broke my heart again and again without giving me a chance to recover and yet I'm still stupidly in love with you. I'm still hopelessly and foolishly in love with you. If you say you will stop hurting me now, that you will love me, I won't even think twice. I'm begging you, please just stop. Just go away. Please stop doing this to me. I don't want this feeling anymore, I can't continue like this. I'm not strong. Have mercy, please just leave-" through the whirlwind of emotions, he felt Heechul pulling him into a hug and he struggled through his pleading and his tears, wanting so badly to deny Heechul the privilege of holding him.

 

"Let me go," he pushed against Heechul's chest but the latter stayed firm, not letting go.

 

"Shhh, Teuk, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he hear Heechul whispered and he caved in almost instantly, the fight leaving his body as fast as it came. He slumped against Heechul and shook his head repeatedly.

 

"Stop, stop. I don't want this anymore, let me be. Go,"

 

"I didn't know you were hurt this badly. I'm sorry, so sorry."

 

"Stop. Leave me alone. I'm nothing to you, just some convenient fuck."

 

"No, no, you are more than that. I'm the one in the wrong. I took you for granted."

 

"Don't say things you don't mean,"

 

"I meant it, really-."

 

"Stop," he couldn't help himself anymore as he settled in Heechul's arms. He knew he would give in. It's in his nature to not be able to say no to Heechul.

 

"Listen to me, Teuk, we can try again. I'll be better this time around. I promise you."

 

_" I didn't mean to hurt you, honest! Please, Jungsoo, I'm sorry."_

_"I'll change for the better, I won't hurt you anymore."_

_"Jungsoo, please don't cry. Forgive me, let's try again."_

_"Come on Jungsoo, we can get through this_."

 

Slowly but surely his resolves crumbled bit by bit. Instead of pushing the other man way like any sane person would, he let himself being comforted by Heechul's arms. Let Heechul pat his back, whispering apologies and sweet nothings into his ears. Let himself be consoled by Heechul's soft kisses, empty promises and impossible dreams. And as the night went on, he let Heechul take more than his heart.

 

%%%%%%

 

In the dark, Leeteuk laid on his side, curled up next to sleeping Heechul. He let his gaze roams, commiting every feature to his memory. It felt like they were the only ones that exists in the whole universe at that moment. He wanted so badly to touch Heechul's face, to trace the smooth skin but Heechul is a light sleeper so he held himself back. His eyes lingered on Heechul's sleeping face, looking almost pure and angelic and he blinked back the tears as he relived the way Heechul had touch him, had taken him, bringing him to the top again and again. He closed his eyes and let himself remember what he loves about Heechul, searching his memories for Heechul's smiles and dimples, Heechul's eyes, Heechul's warm hands and long fingers, Heechul wiping his tears away, Heechul grinning at him in delight, Heechul frowning in concentration, Heechul's laughter, Heechul walking next to him, and he let himself be comforted by all those good memories as he finally let go. He settled in Heechul's arms one last time and waited for morning to come, strangely content now that he has given up.

 

He can't make Heechul love him, can't make Heechul feel something that he obviously didn't feel. With that thought, he drifted to sleep, knowing he will wake up alone.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah, thanks for reading and I'm sorry Heechul was a dick in this ha ha ha ha /cries
> 
> Thanks for reading, I'm sorry if this is bad. All kudos and comments are very much welcomed and appreciated. You can also comment anonymously without an ao3 account :D
> 
> P/S: I checked my first 83line fic and was surprised to see it just passed a little over a hundred kudos and have 2k hits. I'm very thankful TT^TT I reread the note on that fic and laughed when I saw the 'this probably would be my only SJ fic'. I was naive back then and had no idea how deep I would fall. Oh well, SJ makes me happy so I'll just stay in this hole and dig deeper hahaha
> 
> Anyway, thanks again!


End file.
